You want and do not have


I had a bit of a meltdown the other day.  It's crazy how years and years of disappointment and hurt can rise to the surface in a moment and the armies of bitterness be triggered by the mundane.  One thing goes wrong.  Then another.  Then your backup plans D, E, and F fall by the wayside.  And all you're left with is the trapped feeling that "It's always been like this" or "Things are never going to change."

I don't have a particularly volatile personality.  I'm pretty even-tempered and level-headed - not in a passive/aggressive way, but a lot of things just slide off my back.  But on the occasion that I get mad, it feels good.  Righteous, even.  After all, I'm right (of course) and this person or this situation deserves my anger.  And it feels good.  Until I realize that brewing poison isn't the safest occupation, and this anger is toxic to my soul.  Good feeling gone.


I had a meeting with an old friend a few cities away, so I jumped on the train.  I grown to love trains.  Sometimes, they're very entertaining.  This time, it gave me time to reflect.

I was so frustrated with my circumstances, but James 4 came to mind.  I didn't have a Bible on me, so my recall was more like:


but it's the same general idea.

Pastures Green

I want because I do not have.  I do not have because I do not pray.  I do not pray because I know I want the wrong things, and when I do pray, I pray to have the wrong things.  This puts me in a very bad feedback loop, and I get angry (a murderous attitude) and frustrated (leading quickly to quarreling) because my passions are at war within me.

However, the Lord provides peace.  Peace- the opposite of anger and frustration and quarrel and warring passions.  It comes when we understand that the valley of the shadow of death isn't so scary, when we taste and see the banquet that He has already laid out before us, and when we are filled with the overwhelming knowledge that surely goodness and mercy will follow us all the days of our lives.

Instead of praying for hands to grasp my desires, maybe I should pray for eyes to see my blessings.

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want."

Edit: This has nothing to do with my earlier book review, by the way.  The timing of these pre-written posts gives a deceptive timeline sometimes.