Frustration of Purpose
The TS saga continues. I spent more time on the phone today. I was put on hold five times within the same conversation. I love how the "you're on hold" music is so cheery and joyful, almost like it's mocking my misery. At this point, it doesn't look like I will be able to get an appointment. It looks like I'll have to take my finals without any TS medication. Now, TS medication isn't medically necessary. Physically, I can't be harmed by TS symptoms, unless I tic violently at the top of a flight of stairs or something. But tics are obnoxious. Imagine going through life having no control over your physical body. Your head jerks around, you get whiplash, you scream every so often. It's no fun.
After I got off the phone with my neurologist's receptionist, I was very angry and frustrated. Why did my old medication suddenly decide to give me major side effects now? Why can't I get an appointment? Why can't they call me back when they say they'll call me back? Why am I being put on hold five times in the same conversation? Why? Why? Why?
Then I realized it's all God's fault. If he wanted my medication to work without giving me major side effects, I wouldn't get the side effects. If he wanted me to get an appointment, I would get an appointment. If he wanted me to be healthy, I wouldn't have TS.
My internal dialogue went something like this:
Seriously, God?
So you really want me to go through finals without having medication, huh?
But don't you know I need to do well on my finals?
Don't you know that if I don't do well, I won't have the finances to continue in law school?
Wasn't it your idea for me to go to law school?
I thought this was my "calling."
What if I fail at my calling? What am I supposed to do then, huh?
Why are you against me? Why are you frustrating my purpose?
I'm not sure why I landed on the thought of "frustration of purpose." It sounds like something that would be in the Bible, maybe in the Psalms, or maybe when Paul was trying to get into Asia but couldn't. Or maybe I thought of it because my contracts reading last night was titled "frustration of purpose."
Maybe God really is frustrating my purposes. I thought about it, and then I kind of laughed at myself. God frustrating me? If I stepped back, if I didn't think about TS and finals and being put on hold- if I just thought about it for a second, it's rather laughable. Me, a speck on this earth, pointing up at God, "You're frustrating me! I have plans, you know, and you're ruining them! How dare you!"
Somehow God hasn't struck me down with lightning yet.
Again, I'm reminded of holy week. It's weird, how I keep having to remind myself. So forgetful. So silly. One minute, I can praise God and thank him for the cross, and the next minute I'm telling God that he's frustrating my plans.
And He hasn't struck me down with lightning yet.
Isn't that amazing? The grace, the love, the longsuffering, and the patience? I think God sometimes looks at me and *facepalms*, yet he continues to love me. That's what the cross is about. It's about me failing time and time again. It's about how I couldn't have pleased God even if I wanted to or tried. But more importantly, it's not about me at all.
It's about the purposes of God, and how I can never, ever frustrate them.
edit: Awesomely enough, I finally was able to get an appt. Praise God!
After I got off the phone with my neurologist's receptionist, I was very angry and frustrated. Why did my old medication suddenly decide to give me major side effects now? Why can't I get an appointment? Why can't they call me back when they say they'll call me back? Why am I being put on hold five times in the same conversation? Why? Why? Why?
Then I realized it's all God's fault. If he wanted my medication to work without giving me major side effects, I wouldn't get the side effects. If he wanted me to get an appointment, I would get an appointment. If he wanted me to be healthy, I wouldn't have TS.
My internal dialogue went something like this:
Seriously, God?
So you really want me to go through finals without having medication, huh?
But don't you know I need to do well on my finals?
Don't you know that if I don't do well, I won't have the finances to continue in law school?
Wasn't it your idea for me to go to law school?
I thought this was my "calling."
What if I fail at my calling? What am I supposed to do then, huh?
Why are you against me? Why are you frustrating my purpose?
I'm not sure why I landed on the thought of "frustration of purpose." It sounds like something that would be in the Bible, maybe in the Psalms, or maybe when Paul was trying to get into Asia but couldn't. Or maybe I thought of it because my contracts reading last night was titled "frustration of purpose."
Maybe God really is frustrating my purposes. I thought about it, and then I kind of laughed at myself. God frustrating me? If I stepped back, if I didn't think about TS and finals and being put on hold- if I just thought about it for a second, it's rather laughable. Me, a speck on this earth, pointing up at God, "You're frustrating me! I have plans, you know, and you're ruining them! How dare you!"
Somehow God hasn't struck me down with lightning yet.
Again, I'm reminded of holy week. It's weird, how I keep having to remind myself. So forgetful. So silly. One minute, I can praise God and thank him for the cross, and the next minute I'm telling God that he's frustrating my plans.
And He hasn't struck me down with lightning yet.
Isn't that amazing? The grace, the love, the longsuffering, and the patience? I think God sometimes looks at me and *facepalms*, yet he continues to love me. That's what the cross is about. It's about me failing time and time again. It's about how I couldn't have pleased God even if I wanted to or tried. But more importantly, it's not about me at all.
It's about the purposes of God, and how I can never, ever frustrate them.
edit: Awesomely enough, I finally was able to get an appt. Praise God!
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